Faith

Faith…Trust…Belief… this has been coming up like “word vomit” lately. In being transparent, I struggle with faith. I struggle with what I can’t control. I want things to go how I want them to go and, in the timeframe, I want them to happen. When things don’t go as I want them to, I am full of anxiety and doubt. Is it faith if I can do it myself, or is faith trusting in God’s plan?

One of the most painful times of my life was saying, “Goodbye” to my father. My father died of cancer in 2019 so I struggled with that disappointment and I questioned my faith as a result. My family did what we were taught to do, we fasted, we prayed for his healing but in the end, I still had to, in my eyes, prematurely say “Goodbye.” For many, this can be a challenging time with regard to your faith and belief system. I was honest with God recently about that. When I evaluate my feelings, I didn’t appreciate that when the doctor said that the state of my father’s cancer, at the time we found out, only gave an estimated lifespan of 3-4 months. However, my dad lived a year and a half from that appointment. No amount of time would’ve been enough time. What made his decline more devastating was for a while he seemed to be getting better which made me believe that God was answering my prayers. He picked up weight and his nutrition numbers were awesome. So when his symptoms worsened in December 2018, it took us by surprise.

I’m happy my dad wasn’t experiencing any pain. He expressed that the only symptoms he was feeling were fatigue and loss of appetite. It was difficult watching my hero deteriorate before my eyes. I fasted, I prayed and believed that God was going to heal him naturally. I wanted my father to be a testament of God’s miraculous power.

My father had the strongest faith of anyone I know. When I was struggling with my faith, I would call him because I believed in his belief so much that if he said it was going to happen, I would believe it. However, spite it all, he believed God would heal him but if God chose not to, he accepted His decision. My dad had a story, my father overdosed three times and witnessed his best friend’s murder. He was already a testament of God’s miraculous power! He knew that God had a plan for his life and understood that God saved his life many times before. He trusted that if God took him now, His plan was perfect.

I didn’t totally get it then. I’m still working on “getting it” now. Honestly, it’s an every day decision to have faith which means to me, I must trust God’s plan. My existence is part of His plan. The journey my life has taken, good and bad is part of His plan. My design and abilities are part of His plan. My purpose is part of His plan. The lives impacted by my purpose is part of His plan. My favorite scripture that I remind myself daily is, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11).